This is not my ceiling
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Randomize
