it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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