the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
