The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
