the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
