Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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