I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
