she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
