Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
