I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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