I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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