the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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