I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
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