i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
