I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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