She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
