Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
