I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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