She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
