3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
