I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
