she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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