I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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