god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
