for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
