I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
