So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
