That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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