i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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