my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
