how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
