at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
