The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize