His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
