I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
