First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I supernannyed him into submission
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize