it's like russian roulette but with a penis
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
