yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
