I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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