Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
