I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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