you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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