my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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