Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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