i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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