Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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