tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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