Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize