I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
