As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
