I'm pants shitting drunk right now
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
