I wanna bring you to show and tell
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
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