You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
