My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
