Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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