oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Randomize
