The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
