You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
