I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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