hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
